the sun is shining despite the post winter chill in the air-
the streets were as silent as a ghost town last night...
like New Year's Day - night....
my horoscope says throw a party or go to one - with what funds,praytell?
I am hibernating for the next two days as this chemical warfare rumoured sinus ailment slithers it's way out of my head via (yet another) nosebleed...iron tastes metallic....and sometimes blood and hot sauce are the same color..maybe it was the fever (and lack of protein over the past few days) that made this all slightly entertaining...

allora

looking thru last year's receipts is kind of like reading a diary - remember that cab ride when we had to drop off so-and-so in Ft.Greene and we had too many people in the cab and it was raining and the driver put us out even though we had equipment?

 

 

I played guitar for two hours straight yesterday and feel like I did 100 crunches (so that's Joan Jett's secret)

 

 
I hear a lot of people say "so and so's got a lot of heart" or "people from ______(city) have got a lot of heart" lately, which makes me wonder, what does heart mean?

heart
hearty
hearth
hear

your heart is on your sleeve
you played your heart out
something is heartless or heart-wrenching
heartache
heartbreak
hard-hearted

we protect our hearts and yet give them away freely
in some mediatative practices it is believed that anxiety causes health problems in the lungs, and fear cause problems in the heart

when we are afraid, our hearts beat so loudly that we can barely hear
when we are angry, our blood really does boil, our faces grow firely hot and we are ready to kill or break something

when we feel betrayed, it's as if one of those ACME anvil weights from a Wiley Coyote cartoon sketch has been dropped onto our chest out of the clear blue sky
when we feel, most of us feel with our hearts
even when we'd like the rest of the world to think otherwise

when we feel love our heart feels so full of joy that it may very well burst

does our heart ever betray us?
lead us into not only temptation, but poor judgement?
does it tell us we are right when we are wrong?
does it tell us we are not worthy when we are more than?
does it tell us people are good when they are sharpening their knives and coming for us in the night?
or merely react to the after-effects of whatever we are going through?

there is a thin line between really listening to your own heart (tuning out the distractions sonically, spiritually and visually of other peoples' hearts) and knowing when to separate true gut instinct from emotional self defense

when that line blurs all you can do is let go and see what happens
because no matter how much analyzing we attempt, time keeps moving and things change when they are meant to, with or without our Day Planners and Palms and what not

some say regret is another weight
as are guilt and grudges
maybe if we can get to the source of these reactions, they will carry less meaning
when everything is telling us to go against what is natural, strong and true in the clearest sense of how we have operated and lived our lives, still a small spark says "what is there to lose?"

it's so easy to quit
to wash our hands of it
and to walk away
because leaving involves no work nor strife short of stopping action
is it the secret nagging of "what if?" after leaving
or is it the secret faith of "maybe it will work" of staying?

will dreams pan into reality or is this is all is yet another path leading to something greater that is beyond my imagination?

whatever the case be
my heart rarely steers me wrong
if anything
it surprises me on a regular basis 

today it is really, really, really spring

 

One Night In Bankok
One Week Out of Manhattan Feels Like a Month (me)
One (U2)
One (Three Dog Night)
One Love (Bob Marley)
The Onceler (The Lorax)
Once 11 (we'tm')

 

his voice so bittersweet - implying a hoarse texture that comes from the ache in the back of your throat when you can't cry and want to or feel the cry rising up inside you and keep trying to swallow it down

funny how love is
funny how love changes things
like
three days ago when I was all trying to be vague and keep my cool it was just brick outside and my eyes would tear from the icey wind and I was tired of stiff winter neck (from walking around withe my shoulders hunched - that inevitable reflex when you immerse yourself in the cold and slightly under-dressed)
I was looking at the dirty slush stained linoleum floor of the F train every morning and could care less what everybody else was doing on the train on Monday morning at 11am as long as they moved in quickly and didn't block the door

but then it hit me
on the Z train
monday afternoon
no
it was tuesday
because it has snowed all day and I was coming home to put on leather pants over my soccer socks and under my fishtail skirt, a longer scarf, eat and get back on the train for rehearsal
once the Z finally came I actually got a seat
I settled down to pick up my annual read of Huxley's "Brave New World"
I felt a warm glow on my left cheek
it was the sun setting
"the sun sets so patiently - just like you it waits for me
and I watch it fade on my skin" (HALO INSIDE - me)

I scrambled for my camera - as tired as I was when I got onto the train, I actually gave up my seat and went to the nearest window -
the snow looked pale blue and periwinkle underneath the sherbet glow of it all but my second favorite part of a New York / Brookyn sunset, by far, is the way all the windows in the high-rise buildings reflect the sun, even when it's out of view  - they literally glimmer as if made of bronze or pure fire - if I had a panoramic camera I would try to span from one side of the train (the Navy Yard side) to the other (Queens / Greenpoint side) -
I settled for the partial bridge view - so many colors and the frames only lasting so long as the the train chugs out of the tunnel - something also striking about the scratched out tag that someone left on the door of the train, which also appears in some of the shots, adding another dimension to the light and color of it all...

there are some sunsets I have painted since I used crayons that I will never forget..tuesday was one of those...

when I got off the train I walked down the hill to my street and got a clear view of the sky, now blue violet leaning towards cobalt..there were wild flowers that grew in the field behind my house where I grew up called Bachelor Buttons this color ..I used to press them between book pages trying to capture the vivid intesity of their pigment summer after summer and was always surprised when the blue faded away and they took on a pale dusty purple tone...maybe trying to photograph sunsets is like drying plants (without chemicals) because no mater how beautiful and perfect the photo comes out, something will fade away...and in the process of trying to capture the perfect sunset or the perfect flower or the perfect love, maybe we lose the feeling of just having that thing we are trying to hold onto and know and enjoy....
funny how love is
the sun faded but I still tried
I am done for the winter now (or at least today)
because soon the sky will turn a new color
the flowers will return
and sooner than later (and as recently as Sunday) things will warm up and breathe again

I am a slave to visual images and documentation  - I blame this partially upon the fact that chunks of my life have no visual history outside the memories in my head and few friends still left around to back it up....
but I am also doubly concious of knowing when to put the camera down or just leave it at home

I had a lover once who was obsessed with photographing me..he has more photographs of me than anyone in my family, but when it came to life beyond the lense, he fell short...he documented things and collected photographs of most everyone he knew - however - he didn't want the story that went with the photos (of me) since it contradicted the image/persona he created in his mind (I felt like an art direction project for him). A shining example of loss of separation between living to capture the perfect moment and merely living in the moment.

funny how love is
 

 

This is my personal New Year's Eve because tomorrow is my birthday.

I've been throwing a theme party with my Piscean friends for 6 years now and Friday's Soiree looks most promising - not to mention the sheer joy of getting to celebrate with some of our Pisces sisters who have travelled from as far away as San Francisco and Barcelona. Last night we went to greet them at Boogaloo and two gin and tonics later found ourselves forgetting about the icey broken up sidewalk on Marcy Avenue and fire-staritng our own little dance party to old Bowie, The Clash and The Jam. Claudius was there and he is one of my oldest friends in New York from what I refer to as My First Life In New York (likening myslef to a cat)..re-connecting with old friends is so vital in a place where everyone is so transient (and it's acceptible to be a fair-weather friend when it suits your agenda) .There is something so magical about dancing in a circle with your girlfriends that takes you from that feeling of holding hands and spinning in a grassy feel to dancing around a magical caldron singing our own secret chant all wrapped up into one....and a certain giddyness that comes from knowing, perhaps no matter how old we all grow (and hopefully together), we can still pull each other by the hand and cut a rug....we gave the iPod DJ a ru for his money on our heckles and shout outs and "rewind selecta"s..a perfect ending to a rollercoaster of a year that 2004 turned out to be (for me, at least)... I've been frequenting the congregational gatherings of Reverend Vince Anderson on Monday nights at Black Betty - meeting friends there that I hardly get to make time to see in the daylight (although I am working on it) and it's gotten to the point where is does sort of feel like church..how can one not feel the love of the Love Choir? It can be about Jesus or whatever you believe in..but for me..ultimately..it's about friends. So I may be a little tired / hungover / hoarse  / sore from dancing on Tuesday when I drag my bones to the L train to go to work, but it's like seeing a good friend for wine we can't really afford and gossip we only trust one another with (which is my other Monday routine) - what do they say on that Master Card commercial? Oh yeah - "priceless".....

 The first month of 2005 is finished.

I  felt more shut in last winter..maybe because I was living and working in the same borough and wasn't so socially adventurous..

despite the cold, folks seem to not want to stay in, myself included..

....too many good things to taste and see and hear...dragging clothing on the soot-stained ice and weeks can go by in between this routine....  crowded and sweating in the sardine can MTA and then thrust into icy wind....refusing to be weighed down by winter gray and black combos....cellphone manuvering in below zero windchill factors...a hip pocket of "medicine" for those frosty subway platform waits to and fro events.....I managed to miss the flu bug (touch wood) so far...the days are getting longer....walking on the sunny side the street really is warmer....just like putting oil on bare skin to block the wind/air...

recently (yesterday) re-discovered the Screaming Trees....

and why slush and Vans don't mix...